Our Lies
“I’m not smart enough. People think I’m weird.” Are these true statements or lies my client has repeated enough that she now believes them as truth? She throws these descriptions out freely and easily without hesitation. Who has labeled her this way? When I challenged her to provide positive words to describe herself, she said she was “caring, funny, and spirited.”
Self-acceptance is easier said than done. We can quickly rattle off all of our faults but struggle to identify the great qualities about ourselves. Why is that? Is it being humble? Perhaps. I think it is more than that though. Sadly, so many of us are our worst critics. We would never say the things to others that we tell ourselves. And truth be told, we believe the lies and become ashamed and embarrassed by our self-defined faults. To keep others from finding out who we really are, a great deal of energy is spent on suppressing our truth and thus presenting ourselves to others as we think we will be better accepted. But who are the ones who in fact get to decide our truth for us? And why do we allow this to happen? Is our power taken from us or do we just hand it over willingly?
Defining Authentic
When considering the term, “Authentic” there are multiple aspects to consider in understanding this word. Self-identity is a key part of determining if one is truly being real. Many of us show different sides of ourselves, depending on where and with what people we are around. If we are with our family, they will see a side that likely others may never fully see. Friends, romantic partners, co-workers, and strangers all get bits and pieces of us, but we reserve or hold back other parts until we get to know them better. But how do we decide what those individual pieces are that makeup who we are as a whole?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines authentic as “not false imitation; real, actual.” The secondary definition includes “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character; sincere with no pretensions.’ That leads us to understand what sincere means. free of dissimulation: honest along with marked by genuineness: true. Genuine. intended, expected, or believed. not dishonest or hypocritical.
Considering the meaning of authentic, sincere, and genuine, it seems they can be summed up with ‘What you see is what you get.’ For many of us, especially females, part of this is self-acceptance and a lack of self-confidence. I work with many teenagers and young adults who worry so much about what others think about them. So much energy goes into this. I get it. I did the same thing. I constantly questioned what I said, what I did, and how I looked. The self-doubt was awful. Somehow others knew exactly what to do and I never knew what to do or say. Now there was some truth in this.
My Social Skills Development
Social skills are the tools people use to interact with others, communicate, and build relationships. As growing and developing children, these skills are modeled by our primary caregivers. While my Dad was social and could talk easily to complete strangers, my Mom was not. In fact, for the majority of my growing up years, my Mom was afraid of leaving the house and would never go anywhere without my Dad. She was awkward and thus, I became awkward. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Honestly, that continued far too long into my adult life. There were situations I just didn’t understand. For example, my very powerful and influential boss, had a son getting married. I was talking to a couple of colleagues about the upcoming wedding and I mentioned that I was not planning on attending. “You have to attend! It will destroy your career if you don’t!” I didn’t even know her son, and yet I needed to attend this wedding. I had no clue that this was expected. I was flabbergasted Everyone in my department was attending and I had no clue there was this unwritten social expectation of me. Well, if you are wondering, I did attend and quite enjoyed myself.
The fascinating thing about women, around our late 40’s, early 50’s, we no longer give a you know what! Why is that? Is it a hormonal change? Is it the wisdom of living life? What I can tell you is that freedom is life-changing and amazing! Oh, it is a gift I try to give to those younger than me. The teens and 20-year-olds I work with. The worry and insecurity don’t matter. And yet, developmentally, it is all part of growing up. Sure there are some adolescents and young adults who are just confident. One of my daughters is that way. If you don’t like her, not a problem that is just one less person she needs to waste her time on. She had a friend who said a lie about her sister. Whew, as a 15-year-old, she has no problem setting clear boundaries and making her expectations clear with her friend. You either comply, or you won’t be her friend. It’s that simple. But that sense of self is rare, not the norm for most of us. We are awkward unsure, and question ourselves.
Who am I?
So how else can we determine or identify who we truly are? Exploring it more spiritually, I sometimes ask others “How would someone identify you if they couldn’t see your body, but only saw your soul?” What is your character? Who are you at your core? Depending on where you are currently with your emotional and mental well-being, you may easily be able to answer this question. However, maybe you are experiencing such high levels of depression, stress, or burnout that you have no clue what you like or don’t like anymore. Consider these questions.
What keeps your focus? What energizes you? Are there things you do and realize only later that hours have passed, because you were so engrossed in what you were doing? Are there things you do that help calm and relax you? What makes you smile or laugh? What lights your soul on fire?
So, we know being authentic, is what we think of ourselves, Any yet, it is still more than all of that. Is it our personality? Our spirit? Something you may not know yet about me, is my family is one of adoption. Four of our children were adopted, domestically and internationally. Adoption itself is a process of self-exploration, couple-exploration, and family exploration. I had to talk about myself and my husband. He had to share about himself and describe me. How did he see me? What is my personality in his view? The term he referred to me as, which I am actually quite proud of is “Mother Bear.” I think of it often, not only regarding my kids, but also with the children I work with. I am protective and fierce, and yet will push them and hold them accountable.
So who am I? Who are you? Wow, what a loaded question. What am I? Who am I now or who do I want to be? See that’s the difficult task, right? Those two images aren’t always cohesive. Too often we look in the “mirror” and we don’t like what we see. Oh, sure, we might like parts of the reflection gazing back at us, versions or angles of what we look like, but not everything. I like the mother bear. I like the feistiness. I love my sense of humor. I don’t like that person who has struggled all of her adult life with using food to deal with emotions and being overweight.
Conclusion
Being authentic is being real, being truthful, being genuine. While we have these amazing qualities about us, the other piece of that, the truthful part is the real-life challenges that all of us deal with. The anxiety, the depression, the worry, the stress, the grief, the relationship challenges, the career struggles, the conflict, it’s all part of who we are. Does that make us less than? Does it negate the strengths? The positives? Can I belly laugh and feel like I am going to sob at the same time, heck ya and I absolutely have. It’s real. It’s true. It’s life. So, instead of thinking “What is wrong with me?” We learn to embrace, accept, and own it. “This is me. I AM all of these qualities. It is what makes us realistic and helps others relate to us. It is what makes us whole, not less than. It is what creates our life story and it is a story that is so worth telling! So, let’s stop hiding who we are, and let’s start embracing the real us!
“When you show up authentic, you create the space for others to do the same. Walk in your truth.”
Anonymous
